he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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