Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
