Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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