Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
