this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
