I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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