Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
