We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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