What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Bring me that man meat
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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