after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
