I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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