She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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