I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Panties = found
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
