Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
