I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
