Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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