I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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