i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
