I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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