Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
