I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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