You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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