Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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