He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
