I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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