I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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