he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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