I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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