dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
