I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
