i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
