I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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