hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
