He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I FOUND THE LEGS
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
