By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
