Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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