I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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