Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
