She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
