She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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