I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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