OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
