i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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