thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
