I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
