I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
