I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
