I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
