if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
