I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Alive.
So much puke
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
